I recently read James Hollis' excellent book The Middle Passage: From Misery to Meaning in Midlife. The book spoke to me on a personal and professional level, as I am now certainly in 'midlife' and, perhaps not coincidentally, have an increasing number of clients contacting me for issues arising during this life stage.
Hollis proposes that in the first half of life, we construct a 'false self' that is based around societal and family expectations and conditioning. However, at midlife, it is common for people to experience an emotional crisis which forces them to reassess their values, identity and sense of purpose.
The idea of a 'midlife crisis' is an old cliche, laughable to some perhaps, and yet this period can be a time of great turmoil and distress. Former roles and responsibilities that gave life meaning and structure may no longer hold, provoking a sense of disorientation, dissatisfaction or depression. Relationship difficulties are common, with couples forced into each other's company more intensely when children leave home and any cracks which had been masked by the business of family life are suddenly exposed.
I hear many stories of middle aged women, experiencing the myriad challenges of the menopause whilst working full time, trying to care for elderly parents and teenage children, and navigating emotional changes in their relationship. It's not surprising to me that many of us in midlife are exhausted, angry and unhappy.
There is a sense of time running out. Unfulfilled dreams that may have been put on hold become suddenly urgent and terribly important. We are faced with the truth that there are some things that we had hoped we would do 'one day' that we will never do in this lifetime. There is a grieving for the loss of the future our younger self had imagined many years ago, when time stretched out ahead and felt limitless.
Yet Hollis is careful to draw out what he sees as some benefits to the middle passage, including the opportunity for greater self-awareness and authenticity as people move beyond old expectations and closer towards their core values, beginning to live a more conscious life. A greater sense of purpose can be uncovered; a deeper awareness of the preciousness of time adds significance and meaning to relationships and endeavours. Resilience and wisdom can be fostered when navigating the stormy seas of the middle passage, resulting in emotional growth and greater fulfillment than ever before.
Hollis' book explores themes of midlife that for me mirror the tasks of mid-adulthood as described in Erikson's stages of development . Erikson describes this life stage as a time of tension between generativity vs stagnation and grappling with whether we can make our lives count. A second adolescence, a time of reinventing and reassessing, upheaval and possibilities. If any of these thoughts resonate with you please do comment or get in touch.
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